With the rise in the number of COVID-19 cases and the resulting shelter-in-place order, everyday life has changed substantially and that can be challenging and stressful. With that in mind, Sonoma West Times & News spoke with two local therapists to get their opinions on how to cope during this difficult time.
Carolyn McAleavy is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice in Sebastopol, as well as the school counselor for Sonoma Academy in Santa Rosa. Cathleen Stafford is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Healdsburg who specializes in individual, couples and family therapy and parent coaching.
As you’ll see, many of their opinions overlap, but there were some interesting areas of disagreement, especially around the question of online education.
Sonoma West Times & News: What are some ways people can manage the stress and anxiety that the coronavirus crisis brings up?
McAleavy: The good news is that the practices that support us in normal times remain the same ones that support us now, only we need them more than ever. There is broad agreement that the following are necessary for human health and emotional well-being: movement, rest, eating well, connection and being with yourself.
• So, within the constraints you have, physically moving each day by going for a walk or accessing an online movement class like yoga or Pilates will help bring stress hormone levels down.
• Making sure to eat healthy food will support every function in your body, including having the capacity to support a good mood and calm outlook.
• If you have access to gardening space, plant something and tend it if you find that enjoyable. Getting our hands in the soil is known to help people feel calm.
• Using the internet and phone to stay connected with others is a needed component, as they too diminish our stress hormone response to isolation. I have heard many stories of people enjoying virtual tea, meals, movie watching and happy hour together.
• Finding ways to stay in the present moment is the same balm to our fears and anxieties as it always is. Showing up kindly for ourselves as we face the givens of human reality is one of the most important skills we can ever learn. Kindness towards ourselves, and others, is another way to provide a sense of safety and calm. Telling ourselves messages of encouragement like “It’s OK” or “This will come to an end” can help a lot. Our nervous system responds by lowering stress levels, giving us access to a broader perspective on this time.
Stafford: I would encourage people to start with first trying to do something that maintains their sense of normalcy with their routine, and getting outside to exercise is still something that we should definitely do.
Sonoma West: Many people are finding themselves working at home for the first time. Any suggestions to ease that transition?
Stafford: Creating a space at home and an area that you can call your home office for now rather than just plopping down on your couch or something, so you feel like you have a designated work space.
Sonoma West: How can people not feel too overwhelmed by all of the news notifications and media coverage about the virus?
McAleavy: Many people are feeling overwhelmed by all the news coming our way through regular media outlets, and social media. It can be very helpful to only take in the news at a rate that allows your nervous system to handle the information without tipping over into too much anxiety. Maybe only an hour per day depending on your own ability to manage the flow of news.
Sonoma West: What advice would you have for people who already have pre-existing anxiety, panic or stress issues?
Stafford: For people who struggle with anxiety or panic, try to recognize what those triggers are. Recognizing that trigger would be essential at this time. If having your phone dinging by you is causing some triggering panic, then definitely put it on silent or allow yourself to look at it maybe once every few hours, if you know that looking at your phone is going to cause that stress.
McAleavy: For folks who are already struggling with more than their share of anxiety and/or depression, panic or stress issues, it is even more important to modulate the amount of time and energy devoted to focusing on the emergent situation.
This is the time to double down on tools for well-being that you know are effective for you. Listening to calming podcasts or guided imagery, like on the app Insight Timer, or reading from the wisdom traditions that bring you calmness and peace, are good ways to help find equilibrium during this quarantine.
Sonoma West: What are some ways parents can help kids who may be feeling scared or anxious? And what about online learning?
Stafford: First off, I would talk openly and honestly with your children because kids are so much more in tune than we give them credit for. They notice change, and kids are the most sensitive to changes in the schedule. This is a complete shift in their routine: not only are they home from school, but they are also seeing their caregiver or mom and dad home from work. Talk with your kids openly about what is going on and why we are doing this. Explain it to them in a way that makes sense to them so that they don’t feel scared and confused. I want our kids to hear it from us directly rather than learning about it from a friend or the TV.
This will also be a great opportunity to do a lot of education online. Not only can you Google anything you want and learn about it on YouTube, but there are so many apps on devices now that help our kids to be entertained and learn about things that are informational … There are all sorts of ways we can educate our kids while they are not in the classroom.
McAleavy: 24/7 family time can be challenging. We are used to our kids going to school, having structures put in place by teachers and coaches as we busy ourselves with our own adult responsibilities.
The early news from both students and teachers is that the online format is exhausting in unexpected ways and that, in terms of content and expectations, less is more. Do not expect the content level of curriculum to be what it would have been had they been in school. The ‘container’ of the classroom and physical presence of the teacher are no longer there. This will take a toll on everyone’s energy as they seek to keep their focus on their screens.
It is a time to create your own structures for life at home, whether it’s a schedule of chores, bedtime, wake up time, homework time, a norm of getting into daytime clothes, exercising, getting outside and meals. Keeping all of this as rhythmic as possible will go a long way toward supporting your kids, yourself and your family to be together in harmony.
When people know what to expect, they tend to roll with it, and in this way, schedules are important scaffolding for our lives. Even when kids resist them, they are still important, reassuring and helpful.
It’s also important to model calmness, offer our good listening and reassurance for their thoughts, concerns and feelings. Keep explanations clear, brief and honest about the virus and the dangers. Let them know that even though we don’t know how long we will be living with quarantine, this will come to an end. This article by the National Association of School Psychologists outlines a comprehensive approach to having our kids at home while we attempt to work and they attempt to do school: bit.ly/2w4CZpI
Remember: under any circumstances, it is our attitude and behavior that we have the most control over. Offering unconditional kindness to ourselves and our families and friends during this time is one of the biggest gifts we can offer to provide support and to help create patience for this situation that we are in collectively.
If all this fails and you find yourself needing help, what would you advise?
McAleavy: This is a time to reach out for support from friends, parents, pastor, family and, if needed, a mental health professional.
Most therapists are continuing to offer their services in an online video format. The Psychology Today directory of therapists is a great way to find therapists in our area. Most of them indicate whether or not they take insurance payments and if so, which insurance panels they are on.
The Centers for Disease and Control website has various mental health resources and information for parents, individuals, responders and for those who have been released from quarantine. To view these resources, visit: cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/prepare/managing-stress-anxiety.html.
