Screenings

Instructions Not Included
When the editor hired me to write Screenings way back in 1995, he did so with the proviso that I “introduce audiences to movies they might not otherwise see.” That is exactly what I am doing with Instructions Not Included, a Mexican comedy-drama, written, directed and starring an incredibly talented, soulful-eyed Latin TV star named Euginio Derbez. Presented in Spanish (with English subtitles) and English, the Spanish title No se Aceptan Devoluciones translates as “No Returns Accepted,” which is a much better description of the story line.
Derbez plays Valentin, a flip-flop-wearing  Acapulco playboy who shuttles beautiful woman through his bachelor penthouse on a seemingly nightly basis. Since he has trouble remembering their names, he cleverly uses the same line with each one: “You are so different” he whispers sincerely.  He is sharing his bed with two underwear model types when he is awakened by a loud knock at the door. It is a blonde hippie tourist named Julie (Jessica C. Lindsey) with Maggie, the infant daughter she says is his. Julie borrows $10 to pay the taxi, and drops out of their life. So the confirmed bachelor  instantly becomes a single dad.
This seemingly mismatched pair of story lines works because Derbez manages to keep everything moving along in a light-hearted, smack-dab-in-the-middle of the PG-13 rating, sort of way. For example, despite (or perhaps because) he is the son of Juan “Johnny” Bravo (Hugo Stiglitz), the most famous of the Acapulco cliff divers, Valentin is afraid of almost everything—heights, flames, driving a car and spiders. His father equated fear with wild wolves ready to attack, and the son still sees this hoodoo every time he is afraid.  He does, however, manage to use some creative (and quite funny) ways to eradicate any pesky arachnid who happens to intrude on a session of lovemaking.
Since the baby needs changing, Valentin turns to the two lovelies for assistance, but anyone who knows infants knows this reprieve is short-lived, so the new father drops into the beach-side bar for help and discovers a clue to Julie’s whereabouts in a Polaroid photo included in the diaper bag.  Since he doesn’t drive, Valentin straps Maggie in a baby carrier and starts hitchhiking to Los Angeles. Picked up by a shotgun-wielding but kindly long-distance trucker named Lupe (Augustin Bernal), the unlikely trio heads north in a photo montage of beautiful landscapes.
While searching for Julie at the hotel in the photo, Valentin leaves his daughter alone. From a top floor balcony, he spots the little girl crawling towards the swimming pool while hungry wolves circle around the pool deck. Valentin overcomes his fear, makes a top-floor jump into the water to save Maggie from drowning, and manages to land a lucrative job as a Hollywood stunt man at the same time.
Flash forward to Maggie as a first-grader (played now by bi-lingual actress Loreta Peralta). Valentin has grown into a dutiful dad who spoils his little girl very, very much. Enter the dramatic conflict in the form of Julie as a newly fledged New York attorney who suddenly wants custody of her daughter. Add to that a scene where Valentin learns during his monthly doctor’s visit that “The CAT scan shows it’s getting worse … You don’t have much time.”
Cue the violins and bring out the Kleenex for some tearful scenes of separation, courtroom scenes with a no-nonsense family judge, and a series of character witnesses who manage to paint Valentin as an over-indulgent and possibly dangerous man. Like real life, this section of the film is one-step-forward, three-steps back as legal maneuverings, brief reconciliations and harrowing escapes cascade towards an ending that this crusty old film critic didn’t see coming.
There are some surprises in store for the audience, for this isn’t an assembly-line Hollywood farce. Instead, it’s a deftly presented Latino love story.
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