I am sure we are all tired of this “’rona” stuff, the isolation, the scarcity of grocery products, now the mask wearing. We all know about hand-washing, social distancing and have become experts at disinfecting. I am also sure we are definitely tired of all the information and misinformation permeating every aspect of our lives. No one needs to read more about any of that.
But, I am a bit reluctant to write about frivolous things. It makes me feel like trying to do stand-up comedy on the Titanic, “Don’t worry about being in the water at least you’ll have plenty of ice for your drinks.”
I have learned why it is known as COVID-19. It is because I am guaranteed to gain 19 pounds. I posted a sign on my refrigerator door, “You’re not hungry, you’re restless.” Then I placed a scale in front of the door. It hasn’t stopped the eating but at least now when I bend over the scale to reach into the fridge I tell myself I’ve done a standing sit-up.
I saw a photo of a guy in a grocery store. He had been wearing gloves but while standing in line he decided to make a final check of his list. Needing both hands to check he took off a glove and held it in his mouth. At first I laughed. Then I realized I had done a similar stunt.
When we come from the grocery we usually take the bags to the counter space set aside for outside packages. We are careful to wash all the produce and wipe down the packages. We then toss all the bags in the outside recycle. After this process we wipe down the countertop with a bleach mixture and then go shower.
However, this time, while in the middle of unpacking I noticed that the butter dish was empty. Without giving it a second thought I unwrapped a stick of butter and with my bare hands placed it on the dish. Once I realized I had touched the butter with the same hands with which I had just touched all the groceries, I had a moment of panic. Dang, now what, do I boil the butter, throw it out, what? I mentally wrestled with my options. I left the butter on the dish. Don’t come eat butter at our house for at least fourteen days. Seeing the photo of the guy with the glove in his mouth doesn’t seem so funny now.
I called a cousin to check-up on him. He said he was fine but his wife was a bit testy. She had asked him if he was hungry and he answered by saying, “What are my choices?” To which she responded in a not very friendly voice, “Yes or no.”
There must be a lot of marriages tested with this stay-at-home lifestyle. My favorite story is the one where the husband says, “I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with.” She responded, “It must be nice.”
For me, though, the funniest thing I have noticed is how we have all become our dogs. We wander around the house all the time either sleeping or eating. The highlight of the day is when we go for a walk, or when we see someone pass in front of the house and we run to the window.
I am looking forward to the day when all this is a memory. I just hope we will be able to look back and remember some of this was funny.
Gabriel A. Fraire has been a writer more than 45 years. He can be reached at gabrielfraire.com.
