People assumed when we decided to have children that I would want a boy, a first born male. I can understand why people would think that, it is pretty common for men to want a son and even that the first born should be a son. But that’s not me.
When people would ask, “Do you want a boy or a girl?” I would respond with the politically correct answer, “Oh, it doesn’t matter. We just hope it is healthy.” But inside I knew I wanted daughters. I didn’t want a first born son, I didn’t want to have any sons.
I didn’t want sons because I grew up in a family with five boys. I saw firsthand five father-son relationships and they always seemed to be a struggle, two males locking horns. I got along fine with my father but he was a real taskmaster, very demanding and never gave compliments. He was also the type to push one. If on my report card I got all “A’s” and one “B” we would have a talk about that “B.” If I hit a double in baseball, after the game, he would ask if I could have stretched it to a triple. I understand all that now. He felt he had to push us to be better, to be the best.
That part of his character had little to do with my decision. What really challenged me when it came to the idea of having sons was how I would deal with all those boy issues. Do I teach my son to fight (knowing his mother is a Quaker and not a supporter of violence of any type) or do I let him get bullied or beaten up. When he comes to me and asks to play football do I not let him when I feel the sport is way too dangerous? Yet, all his friends are playing and I played.
I felt it would be different with girls and it was. I believe today girls can do anything, and if given support they will be successful. But boys, they are still very limited. If my daughter wanted to wear boys’ clothes to school no one would even notice but if my son went to school in a dress it would cause a stir.
But the biggest reason I didn’t want sons was reinforced the other day when we were travelling and pulled over at a rest stop. This little boy about seven years old came strolling out of the restroom. He was wearing baggie short pants, gym shoes and a large T-shirt that hung low. His baseball hat had a straight bill and was off center. He looked cute the way a cartoon characters can look cute. Then his father walked out of the restroom dressed identically. The cuteness bubble burst. And, that is the real reason I didn’t want any sons. I didn’t want a mini-me parading around. I didn’t want a mirror image with all my silliness and/or faults parading around to confront me.
It’s interesting, I can see many of my faults appear in one or both of my daughters but somehow it just isn’t as obvious or embarrassing to me. Okay, I know it’s silly but it’s how I feel.
There are lots of other reasons I prefer raising daughters over sons but one thing that sticks with me most is something my mom used to say, and I think there is a lot of truth to this: “Your daughter is your daughter the rest of your life — your son is your son until he takes a wife.”
Gabriel A. Fraire has been a writer more than 45 years. He can be reached through his website at: www.gabrielfraire.com.
