One of the many cool benefits of living with teenagers is the opportunity to self reflect as a person. Meaning, when one of my teens is going through a bump I tend to try to put myself back in their shoes as my rebellious, crazy 16-year-old self. I figure if I can offer up advice that might seem relevant, I will try my hardest. If I can relate, I can lessen their pain and sadness. Always a Mama Bear’s job, I suppose, to bring in light when there is darkness.
These last few days have presented my teen daughter with some challenges. There seems to come a time mid-sophomore year when the exhaustion of keeping up a fast pace becomes toxic. It just drags you down, makes everything seem grey and gloomy. The once happy things get added to the “to-do” list instead of remaining a positive outlet. In this case, it was a relationship.
Relationships at any age are tricky. My husband and I have been together for 20 years. Every day is new, with a new challenge thrown somewhere into each 24 hour period. The key to happiness is whether we each individually can suppress our own issues and not project on one another. This ability comes with maturity and experience. Some days we are successful, some days we are not. This daily exercise in sharing my life with someone, allowed me some very clear, very eye opening advice for my daughter that I hope she will continue to use for the rest of her life.
We all know teenagers tend to make very critical decisions based on how they are feeling in the “now.” They lack the insight to take a step back from a situation to think it through clearly. They are very reactionary, very impulsive, which us parents know leads to poor decision making that leaves ripples later on. If only they had a pause button. Pause the hormones, pause the anxiety, pause the depression. Take a nap, sleep on it guys! If only it were that easy.
So, out came my relationship 101 mental handbook. I knew she cared for this boy, and that this first real relationship was good. Her lackluster behavior confused him into thinking something was wrong. She didn’t communicate properly. Blah, blah, blah. What I successfully got through to her was this; in life, from now on, there are going to be relationship issues, school issues, job issues and family issues. She needed to hear that making a very important decision should not be made in times of depression.
Most of us are able to clear the cobwebs after a few days and start to feel better. It’s then that decision making becomes clearer and rational thought process resumes. So, wait I told her. Take deep breaths, take some personal time to feel better then reassess the situation. My new mantra: give it time, give it time, give it time. This goes for me and my teenagers from now on.
I think I held my own breath for a few days watching her navigate her life. As a mom of two daughters and two sons, my strings get pulled in many directions. I just want hers, right now, moving into her young woman years to be good, healthy. No bad boyfriends, no negativity, no regrets. Just goodness and positivity. I think I got through, I think I made a dent. I pray my advice was valid, that it made sense.
It’s funny, 20 years into a marriage and almost 17 years into being a parent and I’m still learning myself. Still holding my breath, still praying, still guessing. That’s life; beautiful, hard, rewarding, exhausting. But I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Elizabeth Knobel lives in Windsor and is the mother of two teens who give her inspiration everyday. She can reached at [email protected].
