Have you ever been with your teenager and experienced a Jekyll and Hyde moment? When everything seems fine but within seconds their mood dramatically changes and you are left puzzling over what just happened? There are times as a parent of two teenagers that I have to stop and make sure that I am not in the Matrix. The teenage “being” is a very complex, extremely hormonal and difficult thing to understand. It often leaves us parents feeling overwhelmed and bewildered. Sometimes it’s easy to handle their behavior with humor, and other times it’s emotionally draining. Right now, my tank is pretty empty.
This last week in my house was very bumpy. One day, my teen son is happy and singing, in a cheery mood. The next day he is really angry, tired and sullen. A simple question or request from me turns into a shouting match. It’s not the way I ever thought my relationship with him would be. He was such a warm, caring, sensitive kid. So, as expected, every time his Hyde personality emerges it surprises me and catches me off guard. I consider myself a really patient, kind, loving parent. After this last week though, my abilities had been severely challenged and I was starting to really question if we needed professional advice. And then the universe brought me an answer, a sign I so desperately needed.
I bumped into a fellow mom at a coffee shop in town, someone I’ve known for 10 years. We are not close friends but I know of her family and she of mine. For some reason she confided in me that her teen daughter was really giving her grief. Their once-harmonious relationship has suddenly turned very hostile and cold. The sweet girl she raised is gone, replaced with attitude and judgment. When she turned to me and said, “Elizabeth, when my daughter treats me this way it hurts my feelings and breaks my heart,” a sense of relief flooded over me. I realized I wasn’t alone. It’s not just my teenager making my life crazy. At some point or another, we all deal with teenage angst. I hugged her tight, told her about my week and I think we both left there feeling a little lighter and relieved. I really needed to hear her story, to restore my faith in parenting and in life.
As I drove home, wiping away my tears of relief, I had a couple of enlightened thoughts. I reflected back to the horrible last few days I had and tried to rethink them. Here is what I came up with. I want to have a good relationship with my teenagers. I need to be very open-minded and nonjudgmental. I need to be in control of my emotions and not resort to yelling. I need to accept that my teenager is not capable of controlling their emotions and outbursts. And lastly, I need to not take anything personally. That is the key to a successful parent/teenage relationship. Don’t let your teenager tug on your heartstrings. Don’t let their growing pains hurt you. We all might try to be Wonder Mom and Super Dad, but even our super hero abilities get strained from time to time. It’s ok to admit defeat. Each day is a new day, a fresh start, a chance to recharge.
If any of you out there can relate to my bumpy week, I hope reading this has helped you. You are not alone out there raising your teenager. It’s really, really hard. It’s an emotional roller coaster that never slows down. It’s a day-by-day survival test. We can all survive though, with our parent dignity in tact, even if we mend our wounds with wine. Just remember to look past the pretense and whom they are trying to be become. Deep down the little kid that you raised and loved and nurtured is still in there. With patience and love they will emerge. So, with renewed hope and energy I hope the weeks ahead are smooth sailing for you and your family. Good luck.
