Decoding Teenagers

I remember when I first became a mother. The year was 2002 and it was truly life changing. Then it happened again in 2003, and again in 2007, and for the last time, in 2015. I am the proud parent of four wonderful children, two of them are teenagers. I often remember my parents saying throughout the years, “Just wait Elizabeth, just wait until they are teenagers.” Well, incredibly, that time has come. I find myself now in a very exciting, very scary, very important time with my two older children. There will be no other time in their lives or mine, when they will experience such rapid growth and maturity.
I had a thought the other day after I had a disagreement with my 14-year-old. “Teenhood” lasts only four short years. Why do they have to be hard and complicated? Why am I struggling? Why am I fighting with my teen? I needed to change something, my tactics, my parenting. If I could wrap my mind around seeing and experiencing the world as they do, maybe it won’t be so grueling. Maybe, I could “mindfully” parent my two teenagers. I felt like I had a breakthrough, an enlightened idea that would help me embrace these years, not fight them. I truly believe this time in our lives could be an incredible journey for my family.
I have a feeling that there are many of us parents out there living with teenagers who face the same dilemmas and share the same confused feelings. One minute they are the loving, wonderful children you raised and the next moment they can be a mean, emotional, strange person you don’t recognize and quite frankly, don’t like.
I believe it is ok to admit there are times when I don’t like my teenagers. I love them, but I don’t always have to like them. That was a very freeing thought for me to embrace. It freed me of guilt and of expectations. I could move forward with the realization that each day with my teen would be different. I felt open and honest enough with myself to approach each day with fresh perspective. No pressure on myself, no pressure on them. I only needed to figure out my new tactics.
The first thing I purposely changed was my tone of voice when speaking to them. That was it…my tone of voice. It became casual, cool. And it worked. Can you believe it…it worked. I became more interested in them, in their daily life. Not because I had to, but because I wanted to. I want to know them as they age and mature. I am excited for the first time because I have hope that these precious years can be awesome. I am now excited for them and for myself. Don’t get me wrong, I am still fearful, and I know there will be many bumps in the road, but I am emotionally ready to tackle everything and anything that comes our way.
I don’t have a degree in psychology. I have a degree in “momhood.” And you know what? I am good at it, as are all of you other parents out there. Next time you second guess yourself, don’t. We are all navigating through uncharted waters every day with our teenagers. Let’s embrace this time with our teens, so we can thrive as parents and they can succeed as young adults.
Elizabeth Knobel is a Windsor resident and mother of two teens who wants to share her experiences so that other parents can see many of our parenting experiences are shared.