But I digress…

Just the Alternative Facts, Ma’am 
We’ve been hearing a lot about alternative facts lately, which makes sense, since we have an alternative president, so I decided to dig in a share with you some facts that may shock and surprise you.
Herewith:
The Confederate States actually proved victorious in 1865, but they collectively chose to give the appearance of surrender so as to ensure the vulnerability of Abraham Lincoln. Robert E. Lee was quoted as saying, “Let Lyin’ Abe think he won. We all know he loves a good play so, someday soon when he is blithely sitting watching some drivel, we can get someone, maybe an actor, they’ll do anything, to kill him. Just wait. You’ll see.”
The Titanic did not sink. It was in fact an early experiment in ocean liner-submarines.
Global warming is indeed a hoax. The so-called science has been rebutted often and soundly by such renowned scholars as Dr. Vinnie Boombatz, Professor Irwin Corey and climate expert L. Ron Hubbard.
Inauguration crowds were huge, big, gigantic, I tell you gigantic! Up to 18 million people crowded the Washington Mall. Those photos put out by the “real news” organizations? They didn’t pick up all the attendees because people were moving so quickly in order to keep warm the camera could not properly capture their images.
The French did not, as is popularly believed, gift us the Statue of Liberty. It was stolen by a rowdy group of late 19^th century frat boys from NYU’s Stigma Delta Dawn. As part of a late night prank they disguised Lady Liberty as a drunken sorority sister while partying at the Sorbonne, stowed her on their ship, the SS Minnow, and 18 days later, not having the strength to drag her back to their frat house on the east side, they just left her in New York harbor where amazingly she went undiscovered for three weeks.
John Kennedy was not assinated. Lee Harvey Oswald hit the president with a tranquilizer dart and while a nation mourned, Kennedy was secretly flown to Cuba by the CIA where he underwent plastic surgery and reemerged as game show host (and sometime Love Boat star) Bert Convy. In related alternate facts, the first lady was not Jackie Kennedy but rather a time traveling Natalie Portman. In a bizarre twist of fate, Mrs. Kennedy later starred as Princess Amidala in the turgid Star Wars prequels opposite Hayden Christensen, who in fact was not discovered near a Hollywood Boulevard lamppost as his agent (and the lame stream media) would have you believe; rather he actually was a Hollywood Boulevard lamppost.
The Beatles did not conquer America and win the hearts of millions of young girls on the Ed Sullivan Show. That honor belongs to Freddie and The Dreamers who, in a little known footnote to history, crashed the set of The CBS Evening News with Walter Cronkite and performed their smash hit, I’m Telling You Now to a stunned and eager audience. Freddie later married Yoko Ono.
The Berenstain Bears were actually never the Berenstein Bears or the Berenstain Bears, they were originally the Barenaked Bears. All the books were written with that title, but yet there is no trace if it on the Internet, because …
Al Gore invented the Internet as you may have heard, but a Florida recount and subsequent Supreme Court decision instead awarded the invention of the Internet to …
Tony Danza, who starred in Who’s the Boss? However the real boss was, and is…
Bruce Springsteen, expect that Bruce Springsteen is really …
Rick Springfield, who never wished he had Jessie’s Girl; he wished he was Jessie’s Girl. Take a closer listen next time.
Other facts you should know:
Arctic ice caps melting? Nope. The earth, due to an international rise in gluttony, is simply expanding. As the earth’s crust gets wider, the water is naturally pushed up and out. Really it’s more like North and South Pole muffin tops than global warming.
Women’s bodyies are not actually their own, as they simplistically claim. Due to an agreement signed in 1955 at Area 51 by Douglas MacArthur, Anita Bryant and a space alien, all women may legally do is serve as body “carriers” until the US government sees fit to repossess.
Nixon and Elvis are still alive, performing as Macklemore and Ryan Lewis.
The popular vote winner of two of the last five presidential elections never served a day in office.
Wow, some alternative facts are so crazy, even Bill O’ Reilly would have trouble believing them. Right?