But I digress …

Summer quiz
Hey kids, it’s time for one of my semi-regular quiz columns! That’s right, I couldn’t decide on a topic this week so I took the coward’s way out and you, dear readers, reap the benefits. So, grab a pencil, top off your mug of java and have at it! No Googling please; that’s my job.
Mike LaPointe is:
a)    The starting point guard for the Golden State Warriors
b)    The hero of Dan Brown’s new book, The Monet Code
c)    My dad’s wastrel business partner who Ponzied us out of our Miami South Beach estate
d)    California School Employees Association chapter president and misguided turkey that complained about special education high school students weeding, pruning and planting at Steele Lane Elementary School. Why? “It makes us look really bad and it makes us look like we are not doing anything,” he said speaking about the CSEA’s regular work crews. Have you seen the Santa Rosa schools’ landscape (literal, not figurative?)? Believe me there’s enough clean up work to go around.
Minecraft is:
a)    The newest blockbuster from Tom Cruise
b)    The newest blockbuster from Will Smith
c)    The newest blockbuster from Bruce Willis
d)    An effective way to keep your kids occupied for hours at a time because, you know, it’s not so much a video game as a complex exercise in three-dimensional thinking. Oh hell, it’s a video game.
The IRS is embroiled in what controversy?
a)    The director’s proposal to change Tax Day to December 25
b)    The director’s desire to rename the agency to the Incredibly Ruthless Sandbaggers
c)    The director’s wish to change his job title to Sith Lord
d)    Targeting a party and extreme right wing non-profits; speaking of which, maybe it’s time we abolished non-profit status for all political organizations. How many do real public good (or the public any real good)? Most are set up to advance a specific agenda, right, left or in-between. Let them be taxed! I am weary of hearing all those rich, white fat cats complain about being profiled. As if …
Drones are:
a)    Villains in the new Star Trek movie
b)    Descriptors for speeches given by Ben Stein
c)    Yummy tasting pastries frequently mistaken for scones
d)    Unmanned killing machines that indiscriminately destroy people, places and things while being operated remotely hundreds, and even thousands, of miles away. The solution for the horrors of combat? Let’s make it more like a video game. That way even if we can’t rid our planet of murder under the guise of warfare, at least we can take out the human element. Even while we take out humans.
Benghazi is:
a)    The new pitcher called up by the Giants
b)    Obi-wan Kenobi’s real name
c)    Stuff you put on a wound with adhesive tape
d)    A worst case scenario come true for the state department, the Obama administration and, oh yes, the people who were killed in the attack, sometimes lost in the white noise of politicians and pundits shouting their righteous indignation from their bully pulpits in congress and on Fox News
Kim Kardashian is inexplicably in the news. Again. Why?
a)    She actually did something newsworthy
b)    She saw someone do something newsworthy
c)    She was able to provide a definition of ‘newsworthy’
d)    She shared with the world her intention to eat the placenta of her newborn baby. This is supposed to help you look younger, to which I can only reply, ‘Ick!”
Writing quiz columns is:
a)    A lazy alternative to actually writing something interesting
b)    More fun than doing real research
c)    A pleasant respite from my day job as Subway Foot Long Sandwich Measurer (something men should never do; they all come out 14” by my ruler)
d)    All of the above
Your results:
6-7: Congratulations, you are a true subjective newsie!
4-5: Not bad, that time you spend reading US Weekly in the checkout line is paying off!
2-3: Really? Get off the Minecraft and get on TMZ!
0-1: Actually, I have an amazing amount of respect for your ability to filter out the white (and White House) noise
Steven welcomes your comments. You can reach him at [email protected].