But I Digress…

This column will run after the election is, mercifully, over. Yet, because of deadlines, I am writing before the votes are tallied. Which means that right now I am either still be exhaling a long sigh of relief at having narrowly escaped being “governed” by a bi-polar, loose hinged, racist, misogynist lunatic or looking at property in Vancouver.
So I will not offer my musings about the election results because I don’t yet know them. Only to note that perhaps it’s time to overhaul our election system.
Let’s run more them like the elections I participated in as a wee lad. My first election in which I was a candidate was at Yosemite Junior High. Speaking of which, why are there junior highs and middle schools? Do middle schools have the middle child syndrome? Think about it. Elementary school is the beginning, where you hone your skills to such a degree that the quote, “Elementary, my dear Watson,” actually makes sense. Even though any Sherlockophile will tell you that the line was never really uttered by Holmes. Nor was “Play it again, Sam,” “Luke, I am your father” or “Mr. Cheney, you’re such a sentimental fluff,” ever said. We misunderhear them. How else to explain the Berenstain Bears conspiracy? Google to see what I mean.
So, you have elementary school, and high school, which sounds very aspirational. Though, in my day, we put the high in high school if you catch my drift. And if you do, what are you doing with your hands on my drift in the first place?
But I digress.
You see why middle school could develop a complex. It’s not important enough to be elementary and not accomplished enough to be high. It’s just stuck in the middle. Like Jan Brady. Hey, why not rename middle schools? Windsor Jan Brady School has a certain ring to it, yes?
Anyhoo, in eighth grade I ran for vice president of academic affairs (get your mind out of the gutter) and won handily. The next year as a savvy ninth grader I ran again, and won again. What did I do as VPOAA? I don’t really remember. But, as proof of the effectiveness of my administration, I am proud to report that Yosemite Junior High continued to offer academic classes throughout my time there and, I believe, continued to offer such classes for several years after I graduated.
In high school I ran for student body president. Twice. And lost. Twice. Both times to Shirley Suda. I didn’t make a big deal about it at the time, but obviously the election was rigged, since a majority of voters suspiciously cast their so-called ballots for the far more qualified candidate. Both times. There was no talk of hanging chads or voter fraud, no debates, no TV ads, no polling or, as I like to call it, the worst political invention ever.
You can look at polls and say, “Well, my guy (or gal) is comfortably ahead so I don’t need to vote,” or “Well, my gal (or guy) is so far behind my vote won’t matter.” Polls could even (hide the kids) make you vote for Ralph Nader.
Therefore, I have a few simple suggestions for the next election:
Each candidate makes a 30-minute speech to the student body (that would be the town, city, county, state or country, depending).
The speech must be made without the use of notes, teleprompter or virtual reality goggles.
Candidates must then answer questions from real people for at least one hour.
Candidates must provide clear and specific positions on at least 10 issues.
Candidates cannot run any ads on any media platform. Zip. Nada. Zilch. None. Candidates cannot say: “to the best of my knowledge,” “that was taken out of context,” or “my opponent is a bed-wetter.”
Campaign cannot begin more than three months before the election.
Every time a candidate lies about something (verified by independent fact checkers) he or she must wear a foam Pinocchio nose for one full day. If they wear the nose three days in a row, they will have their pants set on fire.
Candidates must be clear and specific, focus on what we can do, how we should do it, what we need to be doing to keep our nation, state, city, county moving forward in an increasingly cacophonous world. And, most importantly, they must break the cycle of personal attacks which, as my mom used to say, tell you more about the person attacking than the person attacked.
It’s too late for this round, but that’s my modest proposal for our fractured little democracy.
You’re welcome.
Steven welcomes your comments. You can reach him at

st***************@gm***.com











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