While growing up my house was always in a sort of rotation amongst us sisters. One was in high school, the other in college, the other already graduated. While in different stages of our lives, things at home could often get murky. We came and went, chores were missed, messes thrown about.
When things needed to be reassessed, my parents would call a “family meeting.” It was an opportunity for us all to check in, talk about various things, some good, some bad. Always at the end of our talks came a little relief and a renewed sense of family and our relationship.
I have carried on this same tradition with my family. Only this last family meeting wasn’t so pleasant. Emotions ran high and Mamma Bear’s tears flowed freely.
As most of you know, because I often write about it, I try to be a very open minded, communicative mom with my teenagers. I try to be engaged, I ask questions, I check in with them on a daily basis. I treat them with respect and am sensitive to their ever changing mood swings and hormones.
And, I almost always give them the benefit of the doubt. I try to see the positive in their growth and need for space. I’m supportive of them dating, going out, basically doing what ever they want. In return, I expect that they reciprocate the respect and love that I show for them.
On the flip side, my husband is more old school, if you will. He tends to just call it like it is. I think our parenting styles complement one another. It’s a good balance as we tread through these high school years.
So, at this family meeting we had, chaos was in control as words were said and accusations flown around. It was definitely an eye-opening evening. And a quite surprising one.
The message from my two teens was loud and clear. In so many words they admitted that having their phones or gaming systems taken away is devastating to them (In reality their devices only get taken away when I’m really mad). They explained that their phones are their lifelines to friends, that it is cruel of my husband and I to strip them of these things. How unforgivable it is for us to take them away, like ever.
Secondly, they both reiterated that most of their friends’ parents treat their kids like “friends.” When I asked them to explain they simply said that I am more like a mom than a friend. I’m too strict, too militant, you get the picture.
This was quite surprising to me. Never in a million years would I have thought my two teens would want to be friends with me. I simply let them know that it’s not my role right now. When they are older, sure, but not now I told them.
They then proceeded to tell me about a friend of theirs whose parents threw her a champagne brunch for her 16th birthday. Oh boy. How do I even start to explain that one?
It was then that I realized I’m up against the big, bad ugly world and all of its outside forces. I’m also done guessing about the right approach to take with them. If I yell or stay calm, maybe it doesn’t matter. This helicopter parenting is absolutely exhausting. I’ve learned that I can’t control everything. They are going to have to find out for themselves that mistakes have consequences.
And, life doesn’t revolve around them. Our life encompasses two younger children, commutes, outside family issues, aging grandparents, etc. My teenagers have invisible blinders on all the time. They truly are oblivious to what goes on around them. I seem to always want to scream “open your eyes, pay attention you two!”
At the end of our meeting I felt like I had played a round of sinister Family Feud. I answered all the questions, but got none of them right. I smiled and laughed with them, but I went to bed ever convinced that being a parent is the toughest job in the world. We give and give. We sacrifice, we love and try our hardest to be there for them.
You know my mantra. This is life. It’s messy, complicated and wonderful. What tomorrow brings is unknown. But here is to hoping for goodness and continuing my parental journey with grace and dignity. But know this; next time we play Family Feud, I’ll be ready. And I’m going to whip some teenage butt.
Elizabeth Knobel lives in Windsor and is the mother of two teens who give her inspiration everyday. She can reached at
el*********@ms*.com
.
