Finally, a common sense answer to gun violence and the seemingly weekly school massacres.
Let’s arm the teachers.
Heck, what could go wrong?
As our poser-in-chief struggles to strike a concerned demeanor, we know what’s going on in the back of his head … no, further back … where his scalp reduction scars are … yeah right there. He’s thinking, “Hey, this is gonna play great with the NRA and my porn star friends. Stormy, this one’s for you!”
But I say, “Why stop there?” Does putting a loaded weapon in the hands of Mrs. McFarkle, one she can keep at the ready in the iguana terrarium in her third grade classroom, really do that much good? Why not arm every student as well? It could be part of orientation. Think of the back-to-school night fun. What parent wouldn’t be beaming when shown Susie’s collage art project, her baking powder volcano and the 9mm Glock she keeps strapped on the side of her desk? I mean, could recess get any more fun?
Let’s start in kindergarten … by the way, I always thought it was “kindiegarden” when I was a kid … well, okay, until I was 32. I assumed it was a sort of garden for kindies. What were kindies? Little kids of course. It was a place where kids grew. Which, I suppose, is what kindergarten is, or should be. Though, with the three hours of homework assigned to our youngsters, plus ballet rehearsal and lacrosse practice, plus their violin and synchronized swimming lessons (LA 2028) there isn’t a lot of time left over. But I‘m sure we could squeeze in after-school play dates at the gun range. Great place for a birthday party too. Ammo clip goodie bags anyone?
But I digress.
Back to school. You would need to arm the school lunch servers as well. How about a Sloppy Joe with silencer on the side? How low carb is that?
School crossing guards? Well, obviously they should be packing as well. Jaywalking? Parking in the crosswalk? Not at this school, pal.
And why stop at school? Deadly mass shootings happen everywhere. All bands playing at outdoor concerts should be armed as well. The mandatory 30-minute gun training will come in handy when a shooter knocks out a high-rise window and starts blasting 800 rounds a minute into a panicked crowd. The musicians could whip out their rifles and take aim. With people running, screaming in fear and confusion and a marksman with a scope and tactical advantage picking off concertgoers right and left, again, what could possibly go wrong? That will make the Sonoma County Fairgrounds stage, Ives Park, the Windsor Town Green, Healdsburg Plaza and Cloverdale Friday Night Live much safer (and greater) than ever.
Church shootings? Simple. Arm the pastors (or rabbis; you see we are inclusive here). Madman breaks into service and starts firing? Hell, fire back. God is great, God is good, God can take you out from 100 yards.
Hey, remember when we all used to joke (in poor taste of course) about going postal? Let’s arm postal carriers. If they even suspect someone is about to start shooting up the local school/synagogue/Jiffy Lube, they can preemptively open fire. The best defense is a good offense, right?
Perhaps we need to go further and weaponize all workplaces. Instead of those loser defibrillators folks want to mandate, let’s have a gun case in all offices, so at the first sign (or assumed sign) of a shooter, Sam from accounting can grab that AR-15 and rain terror on the poor fool who is aiming to shoot up Hawkins, Inc. And, if say, he riddles a ‘78 Buick with a dozen rounds or so because he mistook its backfiring for a deadly assault, so what? He is making America great. Again.
I am so glad this brilliant arming teachers solution is gaining traction. It makes so much more sense than dealing with that pesky issue of the Second Amendment. We don’t want our well-regulated militias to be undermined do we? And we certainly don’t want to go down the rabbit hole of making weapons designed only to kill human beings illegal for any civilian to own. It’s a free country, isn’t it? Sure, it may seem logical to ban the tools that do the killing, but by that logic, we would no longer allow private citizens to own nuclear warheads or plutonium.
Remember, guns don’t kill people, people with guns kill people, and people with semi-automatic guns can kill people even faster.
Hey NRA, there’s your next bumper sticker. You’re welcome.
Steven welcomes your comments. You can reach him at [email protected].
