The latest presidential news conference transcript, directly from the White House:
“I just want to say to all of my doubters and naysayers out there that I am making America great again, personally, just me, every day. I get up at the crack of dawn and do my twitter finger exercises with my personal trainer Jack LaLanne, that’s right, many people thought he died seven years ago. More fake news, people! Sad!
I also want to remind everyone that I won in 2016 with the biggest electoral landslide and popular vote since Thomas Dewey in 1948. By the way, I was a big John McCain fan; loved him in Die Hard, so please stop bugging me about not saying enough about his service to our country, whatever that means. You are all sad losers.
Speaking of Montana, don’t forget it was me who negotiated the Louisiana Purchase, which meant we got the entire state of Saskatchewan, which I carried with 93 percent of the vote in 2016, look it up. Then I personally built the great Alberta pipeline, which brings pipes directly to our great country and has created over 12 million jobs since I made all that happen. We got all that for only $8 billion, because I personally negotiated with a Nigerian prince, who reached out to me, and only me, with a personal email.
More good news about Trump U! Rudy Giuliani is the new Dean of Academic Affairs … maybe we shouldn’t use the word affairs, since you all love to lie that I have had multiple affairs since marrying my beloved Mel Cooley … Mylanta … Melania … back in … whenever it was.
Listen, these women are always throwing themselves at me, usually naked, okay? What am I supposed to do? Not thoughtfully supply them with a magazine to slap my rich behind? It’s quite a firm behind, many women I have not had affairs with have commented on how firm my behind is while they are not spanking it.
Even though I did not have sex with any of those women, Karen McDougal said I was better making the bed than Hugh Hefner. And Stormy Daniels boasted about my stamina. I don’t like to brag, but who else has that kind of staying power? Even though it never happened.
I’m pleased to take credit for arming teachers too; you’re welcome. You know my smoking hot daughter Ivanka came up with that catchy slogan: “A gun in every classroom; what could possibly go wrong?”
Don’t forget I fulfilled my promise of getting a man on the moon by 1999; thank you Prince for that inspiration, I told you the blacks love me; I also want to let you all know that Space Force, even though it will never happen, is already a huge success, huge, Space Force Admiral Dooku tells me we have shot down 512,000 Klingons so far. Take that, wimpy NATO!
I know you’re all waiting to hear more about that magnificent wall I’m building. I personally drove the Trump backhoe out to the Mexico–US border at Niagara Falls and am pleased to announce that I personally finished the first 100 miles of the wall myself. Made of solid gold and standing over 200 feet high, I dare anyone of those rapists, drug lords and parking ticket violators to scale that sucker.
Speaking of suckers, I also want to announce that Sara Applebee Sanders, love that babe, is taking over as secretary of education from Betsy DeVille, who seems to be missing at sea. Don’t worry, we are making an exhaustive search of each of her 10 yachts to track her down.
On a sad note, my fantastic best-ever VP Hunter Pence is stepping down to spend more time with his morals, so my BFF and oily-torsoed compadre, Vlad “The Impaler” Putin is stepping in. People tell me, good people, there is some nonsense about the VP needing to be an American citizen, but I say, “Hey Vlad and his pals have voted in more of our elections that most of you losers!”
And this is big, but, and it’s Vlad’s idea and it’s a great one, we are going to switch offices, so Vlad will be in the pathetic Oval Office while I will work out of the VP’s office, which I am told is a fabulous booth at the D.C. Ruby Tuesdays.
So that’s all I have to say until about five minutes from now when I retweet the latest gem from Steve Doocy, love that guy.
God bless America. And me of course; probably me more than America. I mean, did America win big in 2016? I think everyone here can agree that it did not.
So long, sad losers!
Steven welcomes your comments. You can reach him at [email protected].
