ASK DR. SHIROKO

Happy Holidays
The C word. It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas, every
where I go. I hear music, smell cookies baking, see big groups of
people gathered for celebrations, and best of all, lights all over
the neighborhoods.
I love this time of year for so many reasons. The music, the
parties, dressing up, sharing meals with friends, and focusing on
sharing time with my closest friends. It wasn’t always one of my
favorite holidays. I would be anxiously figuring out what gifts to
get for everyone on my list, trying to create an impressive meal
for whoever was coming over, and during my years as an Emergency
Doctor, often I’d be working in the ER seeing drunk, unhappy
people.
I could always count on someone in my family having a fight or
getting upset about something. Rarely did I experience a Christmas
where things were peaceful without drama and people got and gave
gifts that they loved.
Somehow I decided that Christmas gifts should mean something
special at a young age. It shouldn’t just be about buying expensive
gifts for people that you didn’t care about. Every year, I spent a
lot of energy thinking about what gifts I would give to my friends
and family, in order to make sure they were happy. My way of doing
that was to make something. One year I made quilts, another I
knitted sweaters. Every year, I had some hobby that I inflicted on
my friends and family, thinking because I’d made it myself, it
should be special. I remember the year that I made my mom a big
orange red and yellow quilt for her bed. The look on her face told
me that she didn’t love it, but she was pretending to. She had
bought me a brown leather purse that I just hated, and pretended
that I loved. The whole event had an emptiness that was painful to
experience.
20 years ago, I decided that I didn’t want to have unhappy
stressful Christmas times any more. I wanted to enjoy myself as
much as possible and bring joy to those around me. I set about
trying to figure out how to do that. I called my friends and family
and asked them if it would be all right with them if I didn’t do
presents this year. They all agreed it would be fine. That was the
first year I felt somewhat relaxed during the holidays. I had no
expectations, no worries about whether someone would like their
gifts or not and I didn’t have to worry about acting like I enjoyed
whatever things someone else gave me.
Since then, as the holidays approach, I’ve had a conversation
with whoever was going to be participating about how we want to
spend our time this year. Do we want to do gifts, where do we want
to go, who do we want to be with. We never do gifts, which removes
a lot of stress from the occasion. For years, we did a holiday
party at my office every December, starting the season out in the
mood. I hadn’t done that for a few years and decided to start doing
them again this year. It really put me in the mood for the
holidays.
I want to invite you to have a different holiday season this
year. Even if you decide you want to do gifts and big feasts, think
about changing the focus of the holiday to make it more about the
love and friendship in your life. Find special ways to enjoy the
people you love. Sit down with everyone who will be involved in the
holidays and have a discussion. How do you all want to spend the
days? Do you want to share the same meal you usually do? Whose
house will it be at? If there’s a lot of travel involved, do you
want to save the travel for another time of year, when its easier?
Ask each other how you can create the most love, fun, joy, and
pleasure during this special time of year.
Dr. Shiroko Sokitch’s column appears monthly. She can be
reached at: dr*****@li***.net.